“You’ve been having a hard time lately,” I offered.
“Yeah, sort of,” she shrugged and went back to her duck calling. The ducks were only mildly interested in the pretzel pieces we were offering. She was hoping they’d come close enough to touch. I was wishing she would.
I tried again, “Tell me about it.”
She was using her irritated tone now, “I didn’t mean to.”
Didn’t mean to? Didn’t mean to lay down kicking and screaming on the floor at Walmart, run away, and then call the police?
“Hmm,” I questioned, “You mean, you wish you hadn’t or you didn’t mean for it to turn out that way or you feel bad about it now or…?”
“NO, I just didn’t mean to,” she said angrily and moved away.
I followed. “That’s not who you want to be, is it?”
“I didn’t mean to,” she said a little less forcefully.
Breathe in. Pray. Breathe out. “That happens to me too. I do what I didn’t mean to do. God’s not surprised. He knows us. It doesn’t change the way He feels about us.”
She looked me in the eye now – exasperated, “I’m asking Him for help, but it’s not working. I’m trying, but…but…it’s just hard…it’s just hard to believe that He’s really out there. Let’s go. I’m hungry. I want to go to your house now.”
That was yesterday. This morning I flipped my devotional calendar to today’s Word: Jehovah Shammah – The Lord Is There. The There God. Immediately, I thought of her. Yes, He’s really out there, right there.
But this is where it hurts.
When her step-father did the unspeakable. The Lord Is There. When her mother first knew but did nothing. The Lord Is There. When she was separated from her siblings. The Lord Is There. Moved to a new home. The Lord Is There. Moved again. And again.
Jehovah Shammah, DO something…
Then it hits me.
When they seized Him in the garden. When they mocked Him and spit in His face. The Lord is There. When they pressed the crown of thorns on his head and struck Him with a staff again and again. The Lord Is There. When they drove the nails. The Lord Is There. When He cried out in a loud voice, “My God, my God why have you forsaken me?” The Lord Is There.
I’ve done something, child. It is finished.
“…He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, …to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.” Isaiah 61:1-3
“…by His wounds we are healed” Isaiah 53:5
Angry…that the innocence of child is taken away.
Fearful….that something like that would happen to Bella.
Frustrated…that it’s not something that we can just fix.
Confused…God really loves him as much as he loves me?
And then He reminds me. And that’s the point when I let go and remember, God IS God. And thank God He is in control. That’s when I stop trying to figure it all out. Thanks for sharing your story. Thank you for loving the child and spending time with her. I’m so grateful that there are people who care. I’m so grateful that God is in control. I’m so grateful that He gives us scripture, insight, fellowship, etc. to help us process some of life’s greatest mysteries. I will be praying for you and the child. And I look forward to hearing about God’s plan carried out and more stories that have the same conclusion….He IS God Alone.